Should I stay?

This decision is going to be difficult. Both arguments are confusing, convoluted in one another, and seemingly selfish. And with selfish I will begin.

This pilgrimage of mine has has been selfish, no doubt. I have left my education for the moment, said goodbye to friends and family, spending all I have saved to "broaden my horizons" for perspective, to understand my inherent qualities; the ones that never surface until fully challenged and questioned. So yes, this has been a selfish journey and has the potential to become further selfish. I would deepen the sadness in my parents hears, it would draw me further away from my friends at school, but at the same time would deepen the me in me.

The word selfish maintains too much of a negative connotation. For me, the word is only negative, and a selfish someone is only "bad" and "hurtful" if he absorption of their future actions are never converted into thoughts or future actions of goodness. So what I may be doing is selfish, I will come home, one day, and I will live what I have learned. The question is when will I come home?

I sat in an Internet cafe in Varanasi, one of the oldest cities in the world, crying with my mom on the other end of the .02 cent skype call. We both cried because of the honesty in my words. The thoughts of staying has been in my mind for the past few weeks, but I never verbalized them to anyone, no even myself. The moment I heard my words I realized I had changed. The honest in them scared me, just like the possibility of staying. I spoke about the new realization of myself, the awareness of my "Three Words." I want to deepen these new sensations.

My experience in India opened a door. A door to a world where I experienced emotions and sentiments perpetuated by the inherent qualities I found, but have never experienced anywhere else. Now, in this new room, I see another door, quickly approaching with the final days in India. This door has has three words written on it. It says: two more months. I can choose to walk through his door and change my life one way, or I can turn and walk back through the door that originally led me to India, to this second door, and close it. Leaving this experience and the potential of the second door, changing my life to a different degree. I have a feeling about the second door. On the other side of the door, I think there stands a sort of spiritual quelling. A quelling that may help create he confidence I need to continue with the rest of my life. A confidence also created by missing xmas, new years, and my birthday. But the spiritual understanding that has been cultivated these past months has the potential to continue growing and form deeper in its self. But that is not to say that it won't deepen if I return home and share my experiences with all of my communities.

This is the most emotional suffering I have ever felt, more than the emotions I had to deal with after losing my grandmother, or ending an intimate relationship with my high school girlfriend. My soul feels pierced by a large sword. This large sword is challenging me to suffer. The interesting reality is that I pierced my soul, I'm doing it on purpose. The moment I draw the sword out of my soul, I will have made the right decision, that will be the symbolism. The problem is there will be a wound, and although the drawing of the sword, the right decision will have been made, my soul's wound will persist. My soul will cry, it will bleed, I will cry because I know I will have made the right decision. I just want to know which decision will make my soul bleed and cry least.

With this decision comes the new challenge. The challenge that the decision has created. I think I am mature enough to realize that with whatever decision I will make I will have to live with it. There is no going back on it, there is no turning around and crying for the other. I have to live through my decision with all vitality and life that I would the other, for my decision will be the right one. If I come home, the old me would create even more suffering by telling people how sad I am because of being home. I would act more sad than I really am, creating more sadness. But me, the now me, wants the mental discipline to tell myself that I have made a decision the right one, and to be it. I am afraid of becoming complaisant if I return without being deep enough in what I have been taught, thus becoming my old self again.

This is where what I have learned is really put to the test. But first, a question I have to ask is, have I found what I came looking for? Yes, and more. I have answered ever question I asked prior to coming to India. That counts for something. Does it count for coming back home now? Now, are the teachings I have learned and valued so deeply profound enough to carry me through to my real reality of life back home? Or maybe, was I a good enough pupil, did I take it to heart enough, or do I need more time? At what point does teachings of the same lecture become repetitive and pointless? That's not to say that I will learn the same things if I return, India is always teaching new lessons, but my head can only be taught so much before I forget the basics, what I came to India originally for and don't know how to put them into practice. I feel the change in my heart, but also in my confidence. I don't know if this is just travelers confidence, or a true, real self-esteem confidence worth deepening by staying longer.

I want to stay to deepen sensations I have. But there is the possibility I would be able to deepen the same ones by putting them into practice back home. I will keep asking, have I been a good enough pilgrim to learn from my teachings to be able to be a disciple, teacher, or prophet of what I have learned when I return? I think to a certain extent I would ask myself that question no matter how long I would stay. So I don't know...

I had a very bull-shit angering conversation with someone about my decision process. he asked me: "will this decision matter at all in 100 years?" Hell ya it will matter! I have decided that I wan to leave something tangible on this earth. At least an idea, a something that changes something for the better, a difference, and this decision can have a direct effect on just that. Have I absorbed enough to be a disciple of Kalighat, the Kalighat that I have learned?

In order to make my decision I believe I will have to experience Calcuta and Kalighat again. I plan to return on the 9th of December to let my soul asses the situation. It may hit me the moment I arrive in Calcutta, or the decision may no be made until the 13th, the day before I leave for BKK. Right now I really don't know what to do. I have so many arguments for both decisions. This blog was an attempt to spill all of them, but I realize it is much more difficult than just one blog. I would love any feedback, any encouragements or thoughts either way as long as they are honest and helpful.

Right now I am gearing up for a 3 day trek in the Himalayas. I think the fresh air and mountains will help me decide, I don't necessarily think I will have the answer upon descent from the mountains, but I am hoping for some clarification. For those of you who deeply care, I am sorry for putting you through his angst and uncertainty, but know that ultimately if I do stay two more months, in the long run, that is nothing compared to the length of my life.

I am afraid of making this decision.