Allow me to steal a theme in the form of a metaphor from a film I saw a while ago: Lost in Translation. Some of you may have seen it. To be honest I don't remember the plot, I don't think I was cognitive to understand the concepts and depth of the film.

But the few things I remember from the film were the constantly changing predictable camera shots. The shots had Bill Murray situated in a moment of random Japanese social interaction. He is blasse about everything. The camera is focused on him while the viewers eyes are distracted by what is going on around him craziness, this evidently being the "lost." This further reminds me of the protagonist from Camu's "The Stranger," impartial to all happenings; existing preceding essence (but that last statement is not what this blog is about, I'm just trying to sound cool).

I will give you one more example of my current situation. For all of you who remember "Garden State," remember the crazy drug/party scene at the beginning of the film. Zach Braff takes an ecstasy pill and enters a world of total chaos while the world spins around him, with his friends running in circles. He sits movement less, starring into space he too is lost in translation. I think I am as well.

I'm in Bangkok. I can appreciate this city. It's great. Even though I believe it is a good way to begin the transition back to what my day calls "reality," I am having a hard time finding solace in anything I see or do. Well that's not entirely true; I can't say that while sitting in the beautiful Lumphini Par, Bangkok's central park. But to be honest, here, things are JUST as they seem.

Thousands of Thai's on the metro are thousand's of Thai's on the metro. A tuk-tuk driver who scams you, is a tuk-tuk driver who scams you. An Indian fashion designer who has an add in a magazine with an invitation to buy 3 suits (Italian), 3 extra pants, 3 shirts, and 3 ties (Thai silk), no not priceless, for only $129 but forgets to mention to the $400 "stitching" charge when being sized is an Indian fashion designer who has an... Not to mention the eternal frat party of Khao San Road and all the individuals (I will admit I like Khao San, but not for very long) it brings.

Maybe reality can just be that boring or maybe because we have given too much significance to what I believe is purposeless, soulless. Don't get me wrong I think material wealth is somewhat valuable, cities are wonderful, cleanliness breeds personal dignity, and dressing nice is fun, but when it exceeds it's balance and the constant bombardment of a new sale of bargain is slapped in your face every minute, that's what things become insignificant, that's when I think you need to "check yo self befo you reck yo self."

I want to make it clear that I am not demeaning anything about Bangkok (this is not influenced by the excessive materialism I see) or the Thai people, they have their thing going on and so do I, that's the beauty of this world, our differences. I also want to clarify that I am not coming back home a hemp wearing demeanor of materialism, but I am questiong the validity of some things our society deems important. Take commercial for example. A commerical's sole purpose is to advertise something so someone buys it. I understand that won't change. To me they are mind seducers. Occupants of our mind, transformers that target our natural thought process. Commercials will continue costing hundreds of thousands of dollars, I will continue watching them, although now more conscious, and my friends in the slums of India, a family of 9, will continue living in a house smaller than my dorm room made from garbage. I understand that is called reality and standards of living and business principles. When we allow our lives to be over run by inconsequential things such as: whatever that make-up store is called that sells ONLY make up out of a store that is probably larger than my house, by a brand name which means hundreds of more dollars, a different sweat shop and a quality somewhat better than those of non-brands, or by the stupid songs that sing about "super manning hoes" "Van's" or "I love my x-box," that's when our lives are overrun by the unnatural and don't have much substance. It's important to live in reality or society and to adhere to a certain degree, we all need acceptance, of what society preaches, but never forget what is natural and important to our internal clarification and our general understanding of the journey to the true successful road of our life; our personal legend. Why? If we don't pay attention to what the universe needs from us, if we forget that we live in a world creating by us not created for us, then we continue to damage it more and ourselves equally. I'm not saying that people need to go out and try to save the world, but what is meaningful in your life? It can be simple, but what's the point of searching after something that has no true inherent personality?

I think my days in Bangkok are relevant and important to a safe and healthy return. I get to ride an ubber-clean sky way and metro, walk the streets with Starbucks looming me, constant cleaning, but still with the traditional nasally, "SA-WAAA-DI-KAAAAAAAAA." Although not the west, yet, it does resemble it, but the touches of S.E. Asian culture makes my decent from what was, to what will be, less of a jump off a cliff, and more of along slide, with a platform in the middle for rest, and then continuation to the bottom where I will eventually get up on my feet and begin walking on solid ground again. That's a good metaphor...

My pilgrimage has been a hike up and infinite hill, just as the road of my personal legend is. The climb is difficult, more at some places than others, flat and ten vertical, even slopes down at times, but the entire climb leads to a top. Eventually I reach a peak which will act as the end of my journey for now. I'm tired my legs are tired. The exhaustion is what I have learned. As I make my decent by way of cliff jumping, by sliding, by an elevator, or by rolling (the latter two have not been part of this journey) I will reach the bottom. I have to pick myself up eventually and begin walking. My legs may feel wobbly and jell-o like at first, but after some rest I feel the new strength in them. This will allow me to walk life, in this case with compassion, humility, and grace. I will walk until I find the next mountain.

back to transitioning. It feels good to not understand the language in a city that resembles mine. It feels good to feel at home, but ever better when reminded by a hott Thai woman advertising a Thai massage that I am not quite yet back. This way I am lost in my thoughts, more concerned about getting off at the right stop than a "finals" grade. It's nice still having to be cognitive of what is going on around me, being excited by new things, at home I often forget I am living, and thinking my pilgrimage is not quite yet over. I'm still sliding, no matter how tired my legs or how sore my ass.

I will admit that I am some what embarrassed by my physical appearance (and this is where social implications have influenced my thoughts, but I don't care because in a way I believe material worth can reproduce in personal dignity). I'm wearing: linen pants that I've worn for the past 3 months. My shirt has lost it's color because of the copious amounts of hand washes, and I think permanently smells, of, well, me, a once brown hat that has served it's purpose, what ever purpose that is, but it now has a new motley colored look with a white sweat line encircling the brim which I haven't seen since little league. I think I just plain smell bad, nuff said. My hair in the back, is beginning to lock in a dread and I hope I can make it to my first pedicure before the dirt under my toe nails begin to rot (haha sorry). My silly wrist and ankle additions will eventually be cut off as will my pathetic excuse for a beard (bad genes, I think I found the indigenous blood in me). It makes sense hwy everyone looks at me and takes a step back when they get too close. "Sorry guys, I'm still translating!" I would say if I could translate from English to Thai.

Now, I'm not sure how to answer the question I'm sure I will be hearing forever: How was your trip to India?" "Good." "Fine." "Great." "Hella-A Great." I don't know, it's a stupid question. But something I do know is that the respect and humility with which I will try to answer, will be driven by the alterations to inherent qualities which have been ignited.

Amidst all the messages I received in my discernment process, I received one which initially seemed dark, but at the same time guided by the moonlight. "Destruction creates creation," writes Sara in response to my statement from a previous blog "my job is to burn people." I agree. It's not a common way to appreciate a change, but it's true and I can appreciate it. In my reflections on India, I have realized I experienced a complete destruction of my long lasting pride, of my inherent immaturity. I'm not saying they are entirely gone, after all destruction leaves some: may it be ashes, a foundation of a building, or any sort of remnants. And it's from these remanats that we rebuild on top of, with, through, by, in reflection of, the remnants. Point being recreation will always remember previous qualities, or previous teachings, maybe not as strong or as dignified, but a change.

I know it will be hard to obtain anything as soul fully challenging as I have experienced. But by not looking for more soul challenges, I know I will find. Just the challenge of being back home and living my new found glory will be a test of my soul's new found teachings.

When one's soul, or whatever you want to call it, inner-being, true character, self, intuition, experiences what I believe I have the translation of the experience to a new reality will take time. MY father is an interpreter. When I was young I would sit outside his room when he was translating via telephone because I loved listening to his native tounge, k'ich'e. What he translated was sad, immigration cases, but the lesson which I will apply to this matter is, through translation an outcome, a new lightwill be, will manifest itself in the person who is being translate for: in this case, me. It's what I of the translation that will really define me, not my experience.

I'm looking forward to this next step. It was much easier to say goodbye to Kalighat, to Calcutta than I thought it would be. And in no way am I, or will I fear coming home. It will be difficult sure, and by these difficulties I will live a new life. I have my men at Kalighat to drive me with every stop I take, graceful steps I want to add. I also have entire communities in all of my homes to acquire help from. Thank you. I'm ready to keep on living, I'm ready for a new challenge. I feel more alive and aware of myself than I ever have. I'm finally driving my own show, truly "living life...bro." A life of curiosity, of discovery, questioning, discernment, reflection, and translation. My life or light truly has a new value. I'm happy.

At times I may feel and even be thoroughly alone, especially in the way I see the world, but in no way will that steer me away from what I believe is just of what I believe deserves to be sought after. After all it's our differences that makes this world diverse. Nothing is black and white unless you make it so.

So with the moonlight guiding an ominous statement initiated by a wonderful thinker, Sara, I am looking to live a new life as the same person only with a new perspective. I have destroyed so much of myself in this pilgrimage, much of what I never would have expected. I fought so hard to murder trivial things and after my battle, leaving scars, wounds, and destruction, I believe I have succeededas an addition to Coelho's silent army of "Warriors of Light." I hope one day I can live my life by sheer soul intuition of what I have experienced and not by my mental capacity. I am looking forward to seeing, talking, and hugging you. I can't wait to finish my translation process. But to get to the end, I have to begin. At 10 am Tuesday, I will disembark off a plane, returning me to my reality, for now. I will be disembarking from a pilgrimage through emotions, discernment, much death and life. I will continue translating what was and what is, so that it will be.

Sure, I did burn people for my job. I destroyed, or cremated people to create ash. As I did to them, they did to me; by doing, seeing, and touching what I did, they destroyed so much of me, creating ash of what was, from which I will and have created. I am looking forward to coming home.

-=Namaste=-

It's hard to figure out how to write this. Discernment is not easy for me. I don't make decisions. I decide on impulse, but impulse is often over shadowed by ego, by intuition, by mere action. I will be honest and say I have never made a real decision in my life. I'm not sure that many young people have. My life, my world has been perfect, I have struggles just like everyone, but things in all forms have been given to me, granted by whatever God you may believe in, whatever cosmos exist, whatever words might first come to mind, luck. And when any type of real decision needed to be made, I relied on the opinion of others, I manipulated conversation to know what others thought was right. I was afraid of making decisions. I was not living my own life, but one decided by others (this may be a little dramatic, but still honest).

The past two weeks I struggled with a decision which perpetuated my emotions, thoughts, questions that tore at my core. It made me want to cry at times and others I was just plain frustrated. A decision which will greatly affect one's life has to be considered with all honesty, equally balanced by both mind and heart. There are times when one out weighs the other in making this decision, but not in this one: balance.

I had many conversations different people discussing returning home for the holidays and winter quarter or extending my pilgrimage in India. I made a habitual slash predictable attempt to get the answer from other people through posting a blog on "should I stay." It just shows how much I was struggling with the choices. This was stupid. These were my choices. True, I did want others to understand the struggles of my emotions, but at the same time, it was a gasp for air in the drowning of the blogged emotions. I got what I deserved. Very unbiased, for the most part, questions, through statements, of how they saw my struggle and their advice of how to swim straight in emotions.

The blog was biased, let's be real, still there were no sides taken, at least for the first days. Then I received a facebook message from someone who read between the lines of my blog. This person heard every breathe, sigh, and tear uttered beyond the words of the computer screen. this person deserves more of my time, not because I owe him anything, but because he loves me. I can learn from him. For real. I did not know how much he really loves me. But with his incredible no bull shit, read between the lines answer to "should I stay," I realized his wisdom and genuine desire for me to continue pilgrimaging (?) ah, a better word, searching. He told me to stay.

I remembered smiling to myself and thinking, this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

As the days got closer and closer to this moment, I received more and more messages. People love me. Not that I didn't know this before, but when I read the thoughts and understood the emotions written for me, I cried with joy, because I knew I had the support of whatever I decided.

I want to thank everyone of you who helped me in my decision, who walked with me hand in hand as you wrote and I read your email, for those moments we were connected and remain so. I remember you when I acknowledge my happiness. For everyone who didn't have the time or who didn't know if it was their place to write me, and for everyone who did it anyways, for those of you who read that blog, who are reading this blog, thank you for thinking, being cognitive and helping me in the most draining experience I have ever been through. I have made my decision.

The more thoughts I had coming in I realized I was not thinking deep enough. I was only considering very trivial yet consequential things. Many were stupid. If I stay I can write a book of my experiences! If I go I get to eat tamales for Xmas! If I stay I will be proud (egotistically proud) to say I have lived in India! If I go I get to give all my presents I bought! If I stay I can grow my "beard" even longer! Well of course these are not the only things considered, they were some what deeper, but I was just not thinking deep enough.

People told me to listen to my heart. So I did, it was tell me to stay, but it always will. Part of the reason I came to India was to find part of my soul I knew existed, but didn't know how to represent. So when my soul was asked if it wanted to stay, of course it said yes. Our souls are constantly in flux with finding their depths, but that doesn't mean it had to be found on this trip, it' snot possible, I mean it takes a lifetime maybe even longer. But then i would argue with my head and say stop influencing my hear, stop being rational and live "on the wild side" and just do it, see what happens. So I decided to stay.

But then I woke up after a nights sleep in the Himalayas, after I asked the cosmos for a guiding dream, after that dream I decided to come home. Oh shit! I just don't know what to do!

I decided to take some advice from Paul Coelho and decided to do something relaxing prior to making my decision. I decided to trek in the Himalayas. 7 hours a day, straight up hill then straight down hill, is necessarily relaxing, but the honesty of being in nature, the place of all inspiration, I found my soul relaxed in it's nature of origin. In it's partner. Being above sunrises, seeing the tallest mountains in the world silences all thoughts and only gives sensations, feelings, emotions, non-applicable to words or writing.

After some time of watching the sunrise I looked to the tallest peak I could see, said a wish or a prayer for the conflicted worlds, and asked that peak to look down on all of us and grant us the humility we all genuinely need. I smiled to myself and thought, I can finally begin to really think about my decision.

When I returned from the trek I was convinced I was staying. I called two different people who inspired new thoughts, these thoughts were defining then affirming an almost final decision.

One of the conversations was with my sister. Although we are initially different, dissimilar in so many ways, we see the world in the same way. We are searching for the same things in life, although searching after them in different ways. Something my sister said, which I never would expect her to say, was "sometimes you need to be rational and listen more to your head than to your heart." Although my decision has made with both my heart and mind, I listened to my head predominately, although guided by my heart.

I came to Calcutta, I cam on my pilgrimage with a few questions, with a destination. That destination resided in my heart. Only with an absolute challenge of my aptitude could I reach it. I did. I answered all the questions I had initially asked. I can feel my perspective changed, not me, but my perspective. I have noticed the application of what I have learned to my interactions. But I could stay longer and learn more, no? One last thing which my sister asked with honesty, truth, and which had a real "check yo self befo you reck yo self" attitude to it was: "Is this really the only place you will be able to grow like this? Yes it is. In this way it is. I have been living and working with extremities the past few months which have resolved to deep spirit growth. Ultimately that's what I don't want to loose; the struggle I have endured with my spirit. I can't, I know I won't. Where ever I may be, stay or go, I know my spirit will be in constant curiosity for the next run. Although Kalighat and Calcutta may be the only places where my spirit is challenged to this degree, it's important to experience other degrees, I'm searching for a holistic character. I may find this new degree of soul exploration in the challenge of being back home, but who knows, either way I will find something more about my self.

I came to Calcutta to develop qualities and characteristics I knew I had. I cam to Calcutta to take these new lessons back with me. For the US is my reality, is my world, at least now. I must develop my comfort there, it's my base, my foundation. Just like my comfort in India and Calcutta, I want to feel the same joy in my heart at home, at least my original home.

I don't want any of you who were vouching or blatantly encouraging one particular decision to feel bad for being honest with how you felt, when my decision may be different than what you gave. But know that in every word you wrote I was challenged to think harder, challenged to feel and cry harder. After all there are many factors which led to this decision, and only I will know all of them, but each and every one of you contributors created those factors. Thank you.

It was naive of me to think that I could make the final decision away from Calcutta. It took 36 hours of travel from Nepal to the city of complexities, joyous complexities. During the travel I argued both sides. My mind came to it's decision, but knew that my heart would finalize everything by how it felt in Calcutta, with what the city was telling me. I felt it immediately upon arrival. Throughout the past few days the energy has grown more profound, my decision was being deepened.

The energy in Calcutta is different than it was for me. From new volunteers, to strange new suttle differences in the inter cafe, to new food stands, and changes of season, I feel my time, my pilgrimage is ending. Calcutta is telling me that my journey needs to end. That it's someone else's turn now to live with their emotions in this city. Maybe you?

I came to Calcutta looking for very few things and found more than I anticipated. I want to thank you for your emails, your comments, your conversations, thoughts prayers, encouragements, and after all for reading this. I can't wait to share my experiences with you when I return home for Christmas and for winter quarter.

-=Namaste=-

PS Don't worry, the next pilgrimage is in the works!