It's hard to figure out how to write this. Discernment is not easy for me. I don't make decisions. I decide on impulse, but impulse is often over shadowed by ego, by intuition, by mere action. I will be honest and say I have never made a real decision in my life. I'm not sure that many young people have. My life, my world has been perfect, I have struggles just like everyone, but things in all forms have been given to me, granted by whatever God you may believe in, whatever cosmos exist, whatever words might first come to mind, luck. And when any type of real decision needed to be made, I relied on the opinion of others, I manipulated conversation to know what others thought was right. I was afraid of making decisions. I was not living my own life, but one decided by others (this may be a little dramatic, but still honest).

The past two weeks I struggled with a decision which perpetuated my emotions, thoughts, questions that tore at my core. It made me want to cry at times and others I was just plain frustrated. A decision which will greatly affect one's life has to be considered with all honesty, equally balanced by both mind and heart. There are times when one out weighs the other in making this decision, but not in this one: balance.

I had many conversations different people discussing returning home for the holidays and winter quarter or extending my pilgrimage in India. I made a habitual slash predictable attempt to get the answer from other people through posting a blog on "should I stay." It just shows how much I was struggling with the choices. This was stupid. These were my choices. True, I did want others to understand the struggles of my emotions, but at the same time, it was a gasp for air in the drowning of the blogged emotions. I got what I deserved. Very unbiased, for the most part, questions, through statements, of how they saw my struggle and their advice of how to swim straight in emotions.

The blog was biased, let's be real, still there were no sides taken, at least for the first days. Then I received a facebook message from someone who read between the lines of my blog. This person heard every breathe, sigh, and tear uttered beyond the words of the computer screen. this person deserves more of my time, not because I owe him anything, but because he loves me. I can learn from him. For real. I did not know how much he really loves me. But with his incredible no bull shit, read between the lines answer to "should I stay," I realized his wisdom and genuine desire for me to continue pilgrimaging (?) ah, a better word, searching. He told me to stay.

I remembered smiling to myself and thinking, this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

As the days got closer and closer to this moment, I received more and more messages. People love me. Not that I didn't know this before, but when I read the thoughts and understood the emotions written for me, I cried with joy, because I knew I had the support of whatever I decided.

I want to thank everyone of you who helped me in my decision, who walked with me hand in hand as you wrote and I read your email, for those moments we were connected and remain so. I remember you when I acknowledge my happiness. For everyone who didn't have the time or who didn't know if it was their place to write me, and for everyone who did it anyways, for those of you who read that blog, who are reading this blog, thank you for thinking, being cognitive and helping me in the most draining experience I have ever been through. I have made my decision.

The more thoughts I had coming in I realized I was not thinking deep enough. I was only considering very trivial yet consequential things. Many were stupid. If I stay I can write a book of my experiences! If I go I get to eat tamales for Xmas! If I stay I will be proud (egotistically proud) to say I have lived in India! If I go I get to give all my presents I bought! If I stay I can grow my "beard" even longer! Well of course these are not the only things considered, they were some what deeper, but I was just not thinking deep enough.

People told me to listen to my heart. So I did, it was tell me to stay, but it always will. Part of the reason I came to India was to find part of my soul I knew existed, but didn't know how to represent. So when my soul was asked if it wanted to stay, of course it said yes. Our souls are constantly in flux with finding their depths, but that doesn't mean it had to be found on this trip, it' snot possible, I mean it takes a lifetime maybe even longer. But then i would argue with my head and say stop influencing my hear, stop being rational and live "on the wild side" and just do it, see what happens. So I decided to stay.

But then I woke up after a nights sleep in the Himalayas, after I asked the cosmos for a guiding dream, after that dream I decided to come home. Oh shit! I just don't know what to do!

I decided to take some advice from Paul Coelho and decided to do something relaxing prior to making my decision. I decided to trek in the Himalayas. 7 hours a day, straight up hill then straight down hill, is necessarily relaxing, but the honesty of being in nature, the place of all inspiration, I found my soul relaxed in it's nature of origin. In it's partner. Being above sunrises, seeing the tallest mountains in the world silences all thoughts and only gives sensations, feelings, emotions, non-applicable to words or writing.

After some time of watching the sunrise I looked to the tallest peak I could see, said a wish or a prayer for the conflicted worlds, and asked that peak to look down on all of us and grant us the humility we all genuinely need. I smiled to myself and thought, I can finally begin to really think about my decision.

When I returned from the trek I was convinced I was staying. I called two different people who inspired new thoughts, these thoughts were defining then affirming an almost final decision.

One of the conversations was with my sister. Although we are initially different, dissimilar in so many ways, we see the world in the same way. We are searching for the same things in life, although searching after them in different ways. Something my sister said, which I never would expect her to say, was "sometimes you need to be rational and listen more to your head than to your heart." Although my decision has made with both my heart and mind, I listened to my head predominately, although guided by my heart.

I came to Calcutta, I cam on my pilgrimage with a few questions, with a destination. That destination resided in my heart. Only with an absolute challenge of my aptitude could I reach it. I did. I answered all the questions I had initially asked. I can feel my perspective changed, not me, but my perspective. I have noticed the application of what I have learned to my interactions. But I could stay longer and learn more, no? One last thing which my sister asked with honesty, truth, and which had a real "check yo self befo you reck yo self" attitude to it was: "Is this really the only place you will be able to grow like this? Yes it is. In this way it is. I have been living and working with extremities the past few months which have resolved to deep spirit growth. Ultimately that's what I don't want to loose; the struggle I have endured with my spirit. I can't, I know I won't. Where ever I may be, stay or go, I know my spirit will be in constant curiosity for the next run. Although Kalighat and Calcutta may be the only places where my spirit is challenged to this degree, it's important to experience other degrees, I'm searching for a holistic character. I may find this new degree of soul exploration in the challenge of being back home, but who knows, either way I will find something more about my self.

I came to Calcutta to develop qualities and characteristics I knew I had. I cam to Calcutta to take these new lessons back with me. For the US is my reality, is my world, at least now. I must develop my comfort there, it's my base, my foundation. Just like my comfort in India and Calcutta, I want to feel the same joy in my heart at home, at least my original home.

I don't want any of you who were vouching or blatantly encouraging one particular decision to feel bad for being honest with how you felt, when my decision may be different than what you gave. But know that in every word you wrote I was challenged to think harder, challenged to feel and cry harder. After all there are many factors which led to this decision, and only I will know all of them, but each and every one of you contributors created those factors. Thank you.

It was naive of me to think that I could make the final decision away from Calcutta. It took 36 hours of travel from Nepal to the city of complexities, joyous complexities. During the travel I argued both sides. My mind came to it's decision, but knew that my heart would finalize everything by how it felt in Calcutta, with what the city was telling me. I felt it immediately upon arrival. Throughout the past few days the energy has grown more profound, my decision was being deepened.

The energy in Calcutta is different than it was for me. From new volunteers, to strange new suttle differences in the inter cafe, to new food stands, and changes of season, I feel my time, my pilgrimage is ending. Calcutta is telling me that my journey needs to end. That it's someone else's turn now to live with their emotions in this city. Maybe you?

I came to Calcutta looking for very few things and found more than I anticipated. I want to thank you for your emails, your comments, your conversations, thoughts prayers, encouragements, and after all for reading this. I can't wait to share my experiences with you when I return home for Christmas and for winter quarter.

-=Namaste=-

PS Don't worry, the next pilgrimage is in the works!