Living in A Miracle

I feel I am beginning to understand myself. Well actually, that's not true at all, but I fell I am beginning to understand what India is teaching me: grace, humility, and compassion. I wrote a previous entry about humility and grace, but now I understand more what each word means on a personal level.

I spoke with a woman tonight who is staying at my guest house. She is actually from San Francisco, touring India with interest in volunteering with the MC's. We began talking about my purpose in Calcutta. It turned into an interview meets therapy conversation with questions of why I do what I do, and how it makes me feel. But as therapy does, it makes me listen to me words and the intention behind them. I heard a lot of honesty in what I had to say.

She asked me why I chose Kalighat, a place where I knew I would experience suffering and death. I feel I learn the most about life, thus the most about myself through intensity. My daily work is not intense in the sense that one million things happen per second, but intense in the sense that what I am experiencing is well beyond, what Aristotle would consider rational (the fact that I really don't know what the hell I am doing). The spectrum of the work that I do fluctuates higher than anything I have ever done. To be honest I am concerned with returning back to school in fear of more monotony and repetitive nature.

Through this intensity I have learned grace. I believe grace is a word which encompasses other word, predominantly: elegance and beauty and love. Elegance has primarily been taught to bme by my grandmother, who carried herself with a divine serenity, communicating that our bodies speak a language. But I have also learned that it's important to act with elegance in one's daily life in order to remain healthy and sane in a place like Calcutta. I have felt more confident in myself when I stand or sit up straight. I am more sure of myself, I trust myself more. Those three trusts of "myselfs" are ways of being which help me do my work with beauty, graciousness, "balance and harmony." All of these are synonymous with elegance and grace. I don't consider elegance as shoulders back head held high in ignorance and arrogance. But I consider it a silent language or movements transcending our words. Elegance helps with my concentration, I walk joyfully with out "fear of stumbling." Paulo Coelho wrote, " Elegance is the right posture to make our every gesture perfect, our steps firm, and to give due respect to our fellow men and women." EXACTLY!!!!!!!! With grace, physical and silent, I communicate my peace, humility, grace and compassion.

Humility is often never obtained. I find that many of my peers and I, all the time, forget to be humble. But why would we need to be if we are never tested, if we are never reminded that we are not the only ones. I am arrogant and snobby with my actions and my words. I act superior to others and forget that a soul is a soul and needs genuine respect. Souls are easily forgotten because they are hidden inside a body, hidden under gender and nice or not so nice clothes. Hidden behind social conditionings, social implications, thoughts and ideas, differences, and disagreements. But when broken down to bare desires, a soul is a soul and wants to be loved. If I remembered that my soul is no different than yours, and that yours always has something to teach mine, than I remain humble. If we give in to our judgments, which we all do, and disregard the depth which does exist with in every being, then we are arrogant and miss out on a lot of life. Well at least this is what I think. The men of Kalighat have taught me this. I hope I never forget. I realize I will have lapses and judge another, after all it is what humans do, but at the end of my road spiritual perfection, when it is all said and done, I hope to know how to be humble and recognize and listen to another soul, yearning for learning.

My experiences at Kalighat have put a lot of my life into perspective. I am alive and I have a strong functioning body, therefore I am happy. I have education, I live in a great country, what else should I ask for? Nothing! I have it all. It's what I make of what I have that will grow my happiness to great heights, or will keep it minimal and pathetic. Our lives are very well off and need to be reconsidered, I can make this argument because YOU are READING this on a COMPUTER. What I have seen has instilled humility. Knowing that a soul is a soul which can teach mine, depending on my allowing, I am humbled and excited for happiness. I hope I never forget this.

Compassion is an action which I very much am trying to understand. Something I have been very interested in since I went to Seattle's super cheesy yet super educating "Seeds of Compassion" day in spring of this past year. We all are compassionate, it's human nature to ask "what's wrong?" when someone is down or to help when someone is sick, or when someone needs a smile. But the challenge is to what degree we give from our heart that matters and that makes the situation better. If we give from our soul as much as we can to that person who is ailing then the result will be tremendous on both ends. The sick will be healed and the healer will be glowing. This is how I feel after a day at work.

That is the direction the conversation went. It was good. She was planning on staying in Calcutta for two days as a connection to Darjeeling. But she said, "You know, after hearing you speak, I will start work on Wednesday!" I told her that this was my experience, that this was my elegance, grace, humility, and compassion. I told her to remember that she needs to create her own understanding of the work that us volunteers do. She said, "I will, I promise, and I will tell you all about it."

The heat has come way down. It dropped to a freezing 70 degrees with 64 % humidity, and as Katie put it, "We are practically living in water right now, we are always wet." So I am wet. Well more cold, I busted out the thick socks, Patagonia wear, and fleece which were all intended for Nepal, but it's freezing. I really afraid to return to school where it will be REALLY COLD!

I have a weird sore throat and I can tell it is from the shitty Calcutta smog. When I wake up from sleeping I have a horrible sore throat but wash it away with water. I can feel the dirt lining my poor throat. I don't think it helps that I sleep with my mouth open.

I have one week until the next part of my trip commences, TRAVEL! I am feeling ready to get out of this crazy city, but definitely not ready to leave my guys at Kalighat. I have been doing the evening shift so I go two times a day now. Something draws me back in the evening where there are less volunteers, less energy, and more one on one time. I get much energy spending time with faces whom I know will pass soon. I give them what I can. A smile, a wink, massage, happiness in whatever form I can create. I will cry when I leave. I know I will. It's hard for me to leave a place that is a miracle.

I was thinking to myself the other day, in vain I was thinking, I would love to see a miracle here. I asked myself, how, where would I see one, what would it look like? I laughed at myself, Joseph, this is the miracle, Kalighat is the miracle. The fact that Kalighat and the MC's exist in a city like Calcutta is a miracle.

I work and am part of a moving miracle every day. What a realization, what a JOY!!!!