Another Journal Entry

After rereading this journal entry, I realize that it makes almost no sense. But I guess it makes sense to me and to anyone who is willing to understand, or has had a similar "aha" moment in life. I feel know a lot of pointless things that are valuable to my life, pointless in the sense that many people don't value them, or to an sad extent don't believe in them. But, I, nonetheless, have faith that what I write and what I believe is a minor and major part of a humans life. Maybe one day I will inspire someone to believe something they never knew was there, maybe one day...

So I begin

Monday September 6th 2008:
For the first time I finally feel like I am moving. That I am thinking clear. I had the idea, when I first began working, that I could do it all, that it was all (meaning the work at Kalighat) about will and making it happen. What I have realized is that only through true love, true soulful selfless love, can one withstand a full days work at Kalighat. Dishes and laundry can be done with thoughtless, repetitive, action, don't get me wrong are very important (actually important. I spoke with a wonderful man on the bus yesterday, an older man, who mentioned that Mother Teresa spent the most time washing the clothes. It was the most important action for her) but when spending time with the patients in the ward and being present to and with them, that is difficult and that is where i Learn.

I sit with patients. Knowing there is no way for us to communicate. That I will not cure him, that I will not save him in any way. But what I can hope for, is a recognition from him, a gesture
which allows me to realize he is greatful. Here are some examples of thanksgiving:
The weird sideways Indian headnod (unless you have traveled to India, you most likely will never understand what this means) a toothless smile, hands shaking in a "so-so" gesture (another Indian movement), genuine staring not in a care free way, but in a way that passes life giving energy (something you may not ever experience, unless you really try and pay attention, and my favorite, the appropriate "namaste" with hands paralleled and bowing motion.

I am finally feeling able to move. I was initially paralyzed. Believing that I could do anything out of brain power was in vain. Actions are done from the heart. My father says, "Do it with your whole heart, or don't do it at all, it's just not worth it." This finally makes sense. This is true. Eventually when you realize that your soul is satisfies, whatever your conception of the soul is or in whatever way your soul speaks to you, you will realize that what you have done is a true act of love. Stop at this time and be greatful, be happy, remember this moment when you have a chance to reflect on the day. Actions from soulful love out of genuine caring makes things easier and more beautiful.

Realizing this I am moving once again, but moving happily. After exhausting myself with the original mindset, I noted I had to use emotion from somewhere ever less-understood than the brain and easily very Americanly taboo, from: The Soul. I was and am humbled. I felt paralyzed with humility, as I could not move. But realizing the power of the heart and soul, I can move once again, but this time I am moving out of humility and grace. It's beautiful to listen to your. Try it.

Sometimes I feel I know A LOT of silly little things.