This decision is going to be difficult. Both arguments are confusing, convoluted in one another, and seemingly selfish. And with selfish I will begin.
This pilgrimage of mine has has been selfish, no doubt. I have left my education for the moment, said goodbye to friends and family, spending all I have saved to "broaden my horizons" for perspective, to understand my inherent qualities; the ones that never surface until fully challenged and questioned. So yes, this has been a selfish journey and has the potential to become further selfish. I would deepen the sadness in my parents hears, it would draw me further away from my friends at school, but at the same time would deepen the me in me.
The word selfish maintains too much of a negative connotation. For me, the word is only negative, and a selfish someone is only "bad" and "hurtful" if he absorption of their future actions are never converted into thoughts or future actions of goodness. So what I may be doing is selfish, I will come home, one day, and I will live what I have learned. The question is when will I come home?
I sat in an Internet cafe in Varanasi, one of the oldest cities in the world, crying with my mom on the other end of the .02 cent skype call. We both cried because of the honesty in my words. The thoughts of staying has been in my mind for the past few weeks, but I never verbalized them to anyone, no even myself. The moment I heard my words I realized I had changed. The honest in them scared me, just like the possibility of staying. I spoke about the new realization of myself, the awareness of my "Three Words." I want to deepen these new sensations.
My experience in India opened a door. A door to a world where I experienced emotions and sentiments perpetuated by the inherent qualities I found, but have never experienced anywhere else. Now, in this new room, I see another door, quickly approaching with the final days in India. This door has has three words written on it. It says: two more months. I can choose to walk through his door and change my life one way, or I can turn and walk back through the door that originally led me to India, to this second door, and close it. Leaving this experience and the potential of the second door, changing my life to a different degree. I have a feeling about the second door. On the other side of the door, I think there stands a sort of spiritual quelling. A quelling that may help create he confidence I need to continue with the rest of my life. A confidence also created by missing xmas, new years, and my birthday. But the spiritual understanding that has been cultivated these past months has the potential to continue growing and form deeper in its self. But that is not to say that it won't deepen if I return home and share my experiences with all of my communities.
This is the most emotional suffering I have ever felt, more than the emotions I had to deal with after losing my grandmother, or ending an intimate relationship with my high school girlfriend. My soul feels pierced by a large sword. This large sword is challenging me to suffer. The interesting reality is that I pierced my soul, I'm doing it on purpose. The moment I draw the sword out of my soul, I will have made the right decision, that will be the symbolism. The problem is there will be a wound, and although the drawing of the sword, the right decision will have been made, my soul's wound will persist. My soul will cry, it will bleed, I will cry because I know I will have made the right decision. I just want to know which decision will make my soul bleed and cry least.
With this decision comes the new challenge. The challenge that the decision has created. I think I am mature enough to realize that with whatever decision I will make I will have to live with it. There is no going back on it, there is no turning around and crying for the other. I have to live through my decision with all vitality and life that I would the other, for my decision will be the right one. If I come home, the old me would create even more suffering by telling people how sad I am because of being home. I would act more sad than I really am, creating more sadness. But me, the now me, wants the mental discipline to tell myself that I have made a decision the right one, and to be it. I am afraid of becoming complaisant if I return without being deep enough in what I have been taught, thus becoming my old self again.
This is where what I have learned is really put to the test. But first, a question I have to ask is, have I found what I came looking for? Yes, and more. I have answered ever question I asked prior to coming to India. That counts for something. Does it count for coming back home now? Now, are the teachings I have learned and valued so deeply profound enough to carry me through to my real reality of life back home? Or maybe, was I a good enough pupil, did I take it to heart enough, or do I need more time? At what point does teachings of the same lecture become repetitive and pointless? That's not to say that I will learn the same things if I return, India is always teaching new lessons, but my head can only be taught so much before I forget the basics, what I came to India originally for and don't know how to put them into practice. I feel the change in my heart, but also in my confidence. I don't know if this is just travelers confidence, or a true, real self-esteem confidence worth deepening by staying longer.
I want to stay to deepen sensations I have. But there is the possibility I would be able to deepen the same ones by putting them into practice back home. I will keep asking, have I been a good enough pilgrim to learn from my teachings to be able to be a disciple, teacher, or prophet of what I have learned when I return? I think to a certain extent I would ask myself that question no matter how long I would stay. So I don't know...
I had a very bull-shit angering conversation with someone about my decision process. he asked me: "will this decision matter at all in 100 years?" Hell ya it will matter! I have decided that I wan to leave something tangible on this earth. At least an idea, a something that changes something for the better, a difference, and this decision can have a direct effect on just that. Have I absorbed enough to be a disciple of Kalighat, the Kalighat that I have learned?
In order to make my decision I believe I will have to experience Calcuta and Kalighat again. I plan to return on the 9th of December to let my soul asses the situation. It may hit me the moment I arrive in Calcutta, or the decision may no be made until the 13th, the day before I leave for BKK. Right now I really don't know what to do. I have so many arguments for both decisions. This blog was an attempt to spill all of them, but I realize it is much more difficult than just one blog. I would love any feedback, any encouragements or thoughts either way as long as they are honest and helpful.
Right now I am gearing up for a 3 day trek in the Himalayas. I think the fresh air and mountains will help me decide, I don't necessarily think I will have the answer upon descent from the mountains, but I am hoping for some clarification. For those of you who deeply care, I am sorry for putting you through his angst and uncertainty, but know that ultimately if I do stay two more months, in the long run, that is nothing compared to the length of my life.
I am afraid of making this decision.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
NO Title
I want to apologize to all of my faithful readers for not writing a blog recently, or one with any substance. The past few weeks has been quite the time taker. The last days in Calcutta went fast, Katie my traveling partner, was sick and spent 10 days in the hospital. Our traveling plans changed as she decided to head home early for a safe recovery. She is back home now and is doing well.
I took off from Calcutta and headed to Agra, as mentioned in the post below. Then over to Pushkar where I meet 8 other volunteers for the world's largest livestock fair! The annual Pushkar Camel Fair was ridiculous. Dancing camels, beauty contests (yes with camels), family circuses, sales, concerts in the desert. Pushkar was magical and such a relief. Being in the desert was fantastic after Calcutta. Beautiful sunsets and sunrises. After 3 days in Pushkar the group moved to Jaisalmer, the Golden city. We spent one night there and on the first morning we were off on a two day one night camel trek in the Great Thar Desert! Being alone in the desert with 8 other friends, camels, and the sand was magical. Such a great experience.
After the camel trek the group split ways, and Dan, from Denver, and I spent the day in the Jaisalmer fort. The best way to describe it: the film Aladdin. We walked around slowly being invited into many homes for free chai and conversation. Wonderful!
Dan and I headed south to Jodhpur for another fort and a city with all blue houses, narrow alley ways full of cows, and happy people.
From Jodhpur we traveled to Udaipur, where we are now. Udaipur is wonderful. Peaceful, calm, relaxing and home to part of James Bond's "Octopussy." We walked around this afternoon and were invited into more shops for conversation and Chai. I really think we are going to set a record for most free chai's in India. This eveing we are going to see the movie on a rooftop overlooking the lake palace where the movie was filmed.
Tomorrow we are heading north to Rishikesh. Yoga capital of the world. We are going to meet Hemly and Lee, both volunteers. We plan on settling down for around 7 days then heading into Nepal.
I apologize for not a more detailed description of the adventures, but I don't think a synopsis of my days would be very interesting, so as the author, I am going to focus on certain themes I have found throughout my trip.
One of the most important to me is honesty in friendship. Here is something I wrote in the Great Thar Desert when we were on the camel trek:
It's hard to describe where I am. I'm in the desert may be an appropriate way of starting out, but to follow I cannot use words, my photos won't do any justice either. Maybe you should visit? But I am sitting on a dune, higher than anything around me. I can only see dunes and desert for miles around.
This morning the sun woke up shortly after I did and casually lit our camp ground with it's daylight. A sunrise in the Great Thar Desert is more than magical, it's honest to the day. But before the sunrise was the full moon, and before the full moon was the most perfect sunset.
It was a sunset which gave life to the desert. A sunset which loves the viewer just as much as the viewer loves it. I fell in love with those colors that night. Or maybe I fell in love with my situation.
Dunes extending to all horizons. Clean air. Almost white sand. Shepard-less cows and instinctual goat grazing. Songs from the came drivers as they cooked dinner.
For the moment everyone was silent. All six of us. All of our similarities and differences, too. There nothing more than the extension of the sun's arms reaching for one last hug from any viewer saying "until I wake you up!"
We stood up to head down to camp. As we turned, guess who was smiling down on us: Senora Luna. It's not often one witnesses to beauties on either side of ourselves, capable of being visualized with our peripheries. We all smiled at each other thinking the same thing, actually that is not true, but our smiles were communicating the same words.
We made a campfire which immediately illuminated all details on our faces, details the full moon could not touch. We laughed, smiled, and shared the type of love many people don't believe in.
A very important conversation was held that night. One of reasons, expectations, experiences, and affirmations. Each traveler shared the reasons, motivations for leaving home, work, friends and family. Almost all are looking for something deeper than their situation they left. But what excited me was my age, I'm 19. The travelers I was with were 25-35. You figure out my excitement. I am content with my questions, my aspirations, and my current situation.
Then came questions and affirmations. The questions where to help guide one another, the affirmations to perpetuate the positivity with which illuminated everyone's actions.
When my turn came, less questions and more affirmations came. I think I had had the "why are you here" conversation with all the other's plenty of times for them to know the answers to most of their questions. So what they gave was gold, they gave affirmations. They spoke to my confidence I do not often see, to my love I only have recently learned exists, to the generosity I never considered, my abilities, and potential. Words of "thank you my brother" or " it has been a pleasure" or with your power, you can do anything" or "I love you." With these affirmations I was shocked. Words that tore deep inside of me, to a place of my soul I rarely have to visit: fear of ones self. If this is how people see me, is this who I really am? Do I really have any power?
It's not often that I fear myself. Actually, rarely am I scared of myself. I always am scared I lack something, or that I am not adequate enough, or fear my future, but never feeling like I am a person who can hold power, as mentioned. These months are the most honest I have been with myself and the most honest in terms of sharing with the world. These months I can justify almost every action and know why I did them and what emotion was cultivating and carrying out the action. But it's easy to be that when there are no expectations, and for some reason always graved with the presence of exceptionally beautiful people.
But if this is who I am when there are no expectations, which to me are pressures, then this is who I am at my core. I want to be this when I am here, home, with her, with him, with expectations. I can be this. I came to India particularly looking for this. I found it in the Great Thar Desert under a full moon, after a beautiful sunset and before a beautiful sunrise.
This is how I saw last night: six souls sitting under a full moon. Six souls sharing honesty and affirmations that really is. I know the affirmations where honest because in the desert far away from everything, all expectations, all material things, all make-up of different kinds, away from all skins we wear, we are who we truly are, who we truly are at our cores. When away from everything you don't see much but goodness and beauty, truth and reality. Nothing negative and dishonest was brought with us into the desert. All we were that night were perfectly reflecting mirrors for each other. A mirror with words. There was no bullshit, it was the most legit shit, EVER!
So what is this? What is this power? I have explained it in past blogs in many ways. In many actions, and in three words in particular: compassion, grace, and humility. All three words were affirmed that night in the desert. The last advice or at least suggestion I as given was to "you can conquer the world." This came from Dan, a 23 year-old student of life, traveler, compassion-ite, someone who I respect more than, well I don't know who, but I respect him with all my heart. The desert came make people delirious, hallucinate (with lack of water) and now, seemingly pretentious. But in those moments I found that it also makes people honest.
We slept in a line of 6 on the beds which turn into camel saddels by day. It's was hard to sleep after all that honest excitement. But also hard to sleep with camels farting in the distance, and a moon with all her companions, the stars, shinning brighter than any night light has or will. I feel asleep...
...I woke up as the sun casually broke over the dunes. I smiled because I had changed since last night, since I left Kalighat, since I left home on September 18th. I'm happy with my life. And with this much happiness in my heart I need to give thanks. So I want to thank all of you who have been a part of my life in any way shape, form, or feel. I want to thank all of you who are with me always, yes you, you know I am talking about you ;) I am thanking you for helping me get here to India, to The Great Thar Desert in whatever way you have. I thank you for reading this. The camels farts are getting closer so it's time to get going, back to the humps.
As we say every time we begin riding the camels "Chelo Pakistan" or "off to Pakistan!" Don't worry, Dad, we aren't really going to Pakistan. We are going to live fully in this day, with this day, through, until tomorrow, where we will do the same.
-=Namaste=-
;)
I took off from Calcutta and headed to Agra, as mentioned in the post below. Then over to Pushkar where I meet 8 other volunteers for the world's largest livestock fair! The annual Pushkar Camel Fair was ridiculous. Dancing camels, beauty contests (yes with camels), family circuses, sales, concerts in the desert. Pushkar was magical and such a relief. Being in the desert was fantastic after Calcutta. Beautiful sunsets and sunrises. After 3 days in Pushkar the group moved to Jaisalmer, the Golden city. We spent one night there and on the first morning we were off on a two day one night camel trek in the Great Thar Desert! Being alone in the desert with 8 other friends, camels, and the sand was magical. Such a great experience.
After the camel trek the group split ways, and Dan, from Denver, and I spent the day in the Jaisalmer fort. The best way to describe it: the film Aladdin. We walked around slowly being invited into many homes for free chai and conversation. Wonderful!
Dan and I headed south to Jodhpur for another fort and a city with all blue houses, narrow alley ways full of cows, and happy people.
From Jodhpur we traveled to Udaipur, where we are now. Udaipur is wonderful. Peaceful, calm, relaxing and home to part of James Bond's "Octopussy." We walked around this afternoon and were invited into more shops for conversation and Chai. I really think we are going to set a record for most free chai's in India. This eveing we are going to see the movie on a rooftop overlooking the lake palace where the movie was filmed.
Tomorrow we are heading north to Rishikesh. Yoga capital of the world. We are going to meet Hemly and Lee, both volunteers. We plan on settling down for around 7 days then heading into Nepal.
I apologize for not a more detailed description of the adventures, but I don't think a synopsis of my days would be very interesting, so as the author, I am going to focus on certain themes I have found throughout my trip.
One of the most important to me is honesty in friendship. Here is something I wrote in the Great Thar Desert when we were on the camel trek:
It's hard to describe where I am. I'm in the desert may be an appropriate way of starting out, but to follow I cannot use words, my photos won't do any justice either. Maybe you should visit? But I am sitting on a dune, higher than anything around me. I can only see dunes and desert for miles around.
This morning the sun woke up shortly after I did and casually lit our camp ground with it's daylight. A sunrise in the Great Thar Desert is more than magical, it's honest to the day. But before the sunrise was the full moon, and before the full moon was the most perfect sunset.
It was a sunset which gave life to the desert. A sunset which loves the viewer just as much as the viewer loves it. I fell in love with those colors that night. Or maybe I fell in love with my situation.
Dunes extending to all horizons. Clean air. Almost white sand. Shepard-less cows and instinctual goat grazing. Songs from the came drivers as they cooked dinner.
For the moment everyone was silent. All six of us. All of our similarities and differences, too. There nothing more than the extension of the sun's arms reaching for one last hug from any viewer saying "until I wake you up!"
We stood up to head down to camp. As we turned, guess who was smiling down on us: Senora Luna. It's not often one witnesses to beauties on either side of ourselves, capable of being visualized with our peripheries. We all smiled at each other thinking the same thing, actually that is not true, but our smiles were communicating the same words.
We made a campfire which immediately illuminated all details on our faces, details the full moon could not touch. We laughed, smiled, and shared the type of love many people don't believe in.
A very important conversation was held that night. One of reasons, expectations, experiences, and affirmations. Each traveler shared the reasons, motivations for leaving home, work, friends and family. Almost all are looking for something deeper than their situation they left. But what excited me was my age, I'm 19. The travelers I was with were 25-35. You figure out my excitement. I am content with my questions, my aspirations, and my current situation.
Then came questions and affirmations. The questions where to help guide one another, the affirmations to perpetuate the positivity with which illuminated everyone's actions.
When my turn came, less questions and more affirmations came. I think I had had the "why are you here" conversation with all the other's plenty of times for them to know the answers to most of their questions. So what they gave was gold, they gave affirmations. They spoke to my confidence I do not often see, to my love I only have recently learned exists, to the generosity I never considered, my abilities, and potential. Words of "thank you my brother" or " it has been a pleasure" or with your power, you can do anything" or "I love you." With these affirmations I was shocked. Words that tore deep inside of me, to a place of my soul I rarely have to visit: fear of ones self. If this is how people see me, is this who I really am? Do I really have any power?
It's not often that I fear myself. Actually, rarely am I scared of myself. I always am scared I lack something, or that I am not adequate enough, or fear my future, but never feeling like I am a person who can hold power, as mentioned. These months are the most honest I have been with myself and the most honest in terms of sharing with the world. These months I can justify almost every action and know why I did them and what emotion was cultivating and carrying out the action. But it's easy to be that when there are no expectations, and for some reason always graved with the presence of exceptionally beautiful people.
But if this is who I am when there are no expectations, which to me are pressures, then this is who I am at my core. I want to be this when I am here, home, with her, with him, with expectations. I can be this. I came to India particularly looking for this. I found it in the Great Thar Desert under a full moon, after a beautiful sunset and before a beautiful sunrise.
This is how I saw last night: six souls sitting under a full moon. Six souls sharing honesty and affirmations that really is. I know the affirmations where honest because in the desert far away from everything, all expectations, all material things, all make-up of different kinds, away from all skins we wear, we are who we truly are, who we truly are at our cores. When away from everything you don't see much but goodness and beauty, truth and reality. Nothing negative and dishonest was brought with us into the desert. All we were that night were perfectly reflecting mirrors for each other. A mirror with words. There was no bullshit, it was the most legit shit, EVER!
So what is this? What is this power? I have explained it in past blogs in many ways. In many actions, and in three words in particular: compassion, grace, and humility. All three words were affirmed that night in the desert. The last advice or at least suggestion I as given was to "you can conquer the world." This came from Dan, a 23 year-old student of life, traveler, compassion-ite, someone who I respect more than, well I don't know who, but I respect him with all my heart. The desert came make people delirious, hallucinate (with lack of water) and now, seemingly pretentious. But in those moments I found that it also makes people honest.
We slept in a line of 6 on the beds which turn into camel saddels by day. It's was hard to sleep after all that honest excitement. But also hard to sleep with camels farting in the distance, and a moon with all her companions, the stars, shinning brighter than any night light has or will. I feel asleep...
...I woke up as the sun casually broke over the dunes. I smiled because I had changed since last night, since I left Kalighat, since I left home on September 18th. I'm happy with my life. And with this much happiness in my heart I need to give thanks. So I want to thank all of you who have been a part of my life in any way shape, form, or feel. I want to thank all of you who are with me always, yes you, you know I am talking about you ;) I am thanking you for helping me get here to India, to The Great Thar Desert in whatever way you have. I thank you for reading this. The camels farts are getting closer so it's time to get going, back to the humps.
As we say every time we begin riding the camels "Chelo Pakistan" or "off to Pakistan!" Don't worry, Dad, we aren't really going to Pakistan. We are going to live fully in this day, with this day, through, until tomorrow, where we will do the same.
-=Namaste=-
;)
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Adventure Continues
This is going to be a short blog, I am way too tired to be putting much thought into coherent sentances, but I thought I should check in and let you all know where I am headed.
I officially lived a dream of mine; I saw the Taj Mahal. It was beautiful. The experience was not so great. Too many tourists with HUGE cameras and pushy attitudes. It was for sure a major culture shock, I can't imagine what returning to the states will be like.
I have left Calcutta, obviously, and it was hard. Leaving my work then leaving an amazing community of volunteers was something that put tears in my eyes when I was on the train to Agra. The train was crazy, crazy uncomfortable. I slept for only 5 hours of the 22 hour journey. But I met a great Bangladesh family who was also headed to the Taj.
Agra is okay. Not much different from Calcutta except for the lack of honking, which is a great change.
Okay, break out a map of India!
Tonight I head out for Pushkar where two other travelers and I will meet up with 10 other volunteers for the annual Pushkar Camel Fair! The experience should produce a good camel fair, so stay posted.
From Pushkar the volunteer groups plans to travel further west to Jaisalmer, Jodhpur, then Udaipur. From Udaipur a good friend of mine and myself, will travel far north to Rishikesh and stay around a week doing some meditation and yoga. Around the first week of December I will meet up with some more friends and travel into Nepal for trekking. I'm not sure how long I will stay but I plan on being back in Calcutta on the 11th of December.
I officially lived a dream of mine; I saw the Taj Mahal. It was beautiful. The experience was not so great. Too many tourists with HUGE cameras and pushy attitudes. It was for sure a major culture shock, I can't imagine what returning to the states will be like.
I have left Calcutta, obviously, and it was hard. Leaving my work then leaving an amazing community of volunteers was something that put tears in my eyes when I was on the train to Agra. The train was crazy, crazy uncomfortable. I slept for only 5 hours of the 22 hour journey. But I met a great Bangladesh family who was also headed to the Taj.
Agra is okay. Not much different from Calcutta except for the lack of honking, which is a great change.
Okay, break out a map of India!
Tonight I head out for Pushkar where two other travelers and I will meet up with 10 other volunteers for the annual Pushkar Camel Fair! The experience should produce a good camel fair, so stay posted.
From Pushkar the volunteer groups plans to travel further west to Jaisalmer, Jodhpur, then Udaipur. From Udaipur a good friend of mine and myself, will travel far north to Rishikesh and stay around a week doing some meditation and yoga. Around the first week of December I will meet up with some more friends and travel into Nepal for trekking. I'm not sure how long I will stay but I plan on being back in Calcutta on the 11th of December.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
What a Halloween!
Yes I celebrated Halloween, and what a Halloween it was! Oh my oh my. Thursday evening, Traci and I decided to grab some ice cream at a place, appropriately titled scoop. After paying waaaaaaaaaay too much for chocolate ice cream, the owner of the place came over to ask us about his decorations. To our surprise, as we were paying no attention to the men decorating, the restaurant was adorned in cob webs, giant spiders and Halloween ornaments! "As Americans, do you approve?" "OF COURSE!" The manager returned with two lamented party fliers announcing a grand Halloween party at the club next door. The invitation was quite hilarious, my flier had a over sized Britney Spears and Traci's Michael Jackson (current state). The manager invited us next door to see the club a day early. Lead by one proud manager, being able to convince two americans to check out his club, we walked next door into one hell of a club. Dressed in more appropriate Halloween attire, giant hanging eye balls and more cob webs, the bar tenders approached us and told us how "HORROR-able" it would be, growling and holding bear claws. The manager invited us to bring a few friends "the more the merrier, right?" (Side note, remember the MORE part). Promised free entry, we promised to come and wished him a goodnight.
We went back to the hotel, well went back to the street vendor right outside our hotel (tirupati, the place where we eat all of our dinner's, where all of the volunteers eat their dinners.) I mentioned to a few friends eating dinner that we were invited to a Halloween party not too far away. They shrugged their shoulders without much interest and said maybe. Okay, maybe I thought to myself.
The following day I did my work, went to Kalighat both morning and afternoon and felt great. Came home to some confirmations on the Halloween party. We had a total of about 8 people going to the party. Two friend one from Malta, James, and the other from Chile, Carolina, decided to go to the market to pick up so face paint, we had to be appropriately dressed!
We all met on the terrace. The weather was perfect, the sky, smoggy but nice. We laughed and enjoyed each other's company as we painted face with a blood red die, which did not come off for until today!
All eight faces were painted and we took group pictures with all eight cameras. We were so excited. We paraded down through the floors, yelling and screaming "Happy Halloween!" We walked by the men at the reception desk who laughed and liked us for once!
I did not know what was coming next. I thought only eight people were going to the club. Walking out the front door of Hotel Maria, 35 more people with the same question, actually more of a demand, "We are ready for the party!!!!!!!!" The word had gotten out! I told all of them they could come, on one condition, that James paints all of their faces.
So, finally after 30 more minutes 43 excited volunteers from all around the world, Argentina, Malta, Spain, England, New Zealand, Korea, Japan, Switzerland, Holland, USA, France, Germany, Poland, Mexico, Canada were on their way to some random invite to a club so American boy had told them about.
To be honest I was super concerned that we would be turned away, or that it would not live up to everyone's expectations, but I was wrong. We walked through the streets of Calcutta, being cheered on by all the street people. They loved us for that one night, or maybe they were just super scared of us. Either way, I was happy. We finally arrived at the club, I went in the front door with 42 people behind me and was told to "Pay 100 rupees." I laughed and said, "Haha, NO!" "YES!" "NO, bring me your manager." After a few minutes a young woman came out of the club and gave me a big smile and hug and said, "We have been waiting for you!" She was working at the restaurant the previous night and was told by her manager to expect me and "some friends."
The young girl yelled something in Bengali at the bouncer, he sheepishly apologized to me in broken english, "Sawwy." We let all the volunteers in and the club owner was never happier. I introduced myself to the young club owner, "Hello my name is Joseph, you remember me from last night?" "Of course! My name is Joanna!" "That's my sister's name!" "That's a lame pickup line, Joseph..." Of course I was not trying anything, I was being honest. But it was all in great humor. She invited me in and and we started talking. We talked all about her club, restaurant (apparently she owns scoop) education, and well everything. She was great, spoke great english and wanted to know all about American music and American Halloween. The club was crazy with many of Calcutta's wealthy youth. I met many of them and upon saying I was american, had a new friend. I danced, partied and had a great time. I stepped outside with Joanna and met more people. There was a line of people trying to get in, and Joanna introduced me to many more of her friends in the line. She said, "This is the man that made this night great!" Man oh man was I happy.
After the club hours were over, at two, she kicked everyone out except for the Volunteers. We stayed until 330 dancing, and enjoying the great company. At around 345 Joanna invited all of us to go out to more clubs with her. About half of us went to two more clubs and were introduced to all of her friends, the entire club. I feel like I know half of Calcutta! I had a million new friend requests on facebook, haha, great!
Joanna drove us around in her private car from place to place and for those who did not fit, she payed cabs to follow her around with the rest of the volunteers. We had a trail of taxi's driving behind her car. Finally around 5, an hour before we had to be up for breakfast, and the hour some had to be up for mass, we were dropped off at home.
We I was getting out Joanna thanked us a million times for making her night. We did the same and parted ways. This morning after a day of sleeping, most of Saturday, I was talking to a new volunteer. He asked me about Halloween and what I had done, I began to tell him about a crazy part I went to.
Jokingly he said, "Oh, THE infamous party?!?!"
I smiled.
We went back to the hotel, well went back to the street vendor right outside our hotel (tirupati, the place where we eat all of our dinner's, where all of the volunteers eat their dinners.) I mentioned to a few friends eating dinner that we were invited to a Halloween party not too far away. They shrugged their shoulders without much interest and said maybe. Okay, maybe I thought to myself.
The following day I did my work, went to Kalighat both morning and afternoon and felt great. Came home to some confirmations on the Halloween party. We had a total of about 8 people going to the party. Two friend one from Malta, James, and the other from Chile, Carolina, decided to go to the market to pick up so face paint, we had to be appropriately dressed!
We all met on the terrace. The weather was perfect, the sky, smoggy but nice. We laughed and enjoyed each other's company as we painted face with a blood red die, which did not come off for until today!
All eight faces were painted and we took group pictures with all eight cameras. We were so excited. We paraded down through the floors, yelling and screaming "Happy Halloween!" We walked by the men at the reception desk who laughed and liked us for once!
I did not know what was coming next. I thought only eight people were going to the club. Walking out the front door of Hotel Maria, 35 more people with the same question, actually more of a demand, "We are ready for the party!!!!!!!!" The word had gotten out! I told all of them they could come, on one condition, that James paints all of their faces.
So, finally after 30 more minutes 43 excited volunteers from all around the world, Argentina, Malta, Spain, England, New Zealand, Korea, Japan, Switzerland, Holland, USA, France, Germany, Poland, Mexico, Canada were on their way to some random invite to a club so American boy had told them about.
To be honest I was super concerned that we would be turned away, or that it would not live up to everyone's expectations, but I was wrong. We walked through the streets of Calcutta, being cheered on by all the street people. They loved us for that one night, or maybe they were just super scared of us. Either way, I was happy. We finally arrived at the club, I went in the front door with 42 people behind me and was told to "Pay 100 rupees." I laughed and said, "Haha, NO!" "YES!" "NO, bring me your manager." After a few minutes a young woman came out of the club and gave me a big smile and hug and said, "We have been waiting for you!" She was working at the restaurant the previous night and was told by her manager to expect me and "some friends."
The young girl yelled something in Bengali at the bouncer, he sheepishly apologized to me in broken english, "Sawwy." We let all the volunteers in and the club owner was never happier. I introduced myself to the young club owner, "Hello my name is Joseph, you remember me from last night?" "Of course! My name is Joanna!" "That's my sister's name!" "That's a lame pickup line, Joseph..." Of course I was not trying anything, I was being honest. But it was all in great humor. She invited me in and and we started talking. We talked all about her club, restaurant (apparently she owns scoop) education, and well everything. She was great, spoke great english and wanted to know all about American music and American Halloween. The club was crazy with many of Calcutta's wealthy youth. I met many of them and upon saying I was american, had a new friend. I danced, partied and had a great time. I stepped outside with Joanna and met more people. There was a line of people trying to get in, and Joanna introduced me to many more of her friends in the line. She said, "This is the man that made this night great!" Man oh man was I happy.
After the club hours were over, at two, she kicked everyone out except for the Volunteers. We stayed until 330 dancing, and enjoying the great company. At around 345 Joanna invited all of us to go out to more clubs with her. About half of us went to two more clubs and were introduced to all of her friends, the entire club. I feel like I know half of Calcutta! I had a million new friend requests on facebook, haha, great!
Joanna drove us around in her private car from place to place and for those who did not fit, she payed cabs to follow her around with the rest of the volunteers. We had a trail of taxi's driving behind her car. Finally around 5, an hour before we had to be up for breakfast, and the hour some had to be up for mass, we were dropped off at home.
We I was getting out Joanna thanked us a million times for making her night. We did the same and parted ways. This morning after a day of sleeping, most of Saturday, I was talking to a new volunteer. He asked me about Halloween and what I had done, I began to tell him about a crazy part I went to.
Jokingly he said, "Oh, THE infamous party?!?!"
I smiled.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Living in A Miracle
I feel I am beginning to understand myself. Well actually, that's not true at all, but I fell I am beginning to understand what India is teaching me: grace, humility, and compassion. I wrote a previous entry about humility and grace, but now I understand more what each word means on a personal level.
I spoke with a woman tonight who is staying at my guest house. She is actually from San Francisco, touring India with interest in volunteering with the MC's. We began talking about my purpose in Calcutta. It turned into an interview meets therapy conversation with questions of why I do what I do, and how it makes me feel. But as therapy does, it makes me listen to me words and the intention behind them. I heard a lot of honesty in what I had to say.
She asked me why I chose Kalighat, a place where I knew I would experience suffering and death. I feel I learn the most about life, thus the most about myself through intensity. My daily work is not intense in the sense that one million things happen per second, but intense in the sense that what I am experiencing is well beyond, what Aristotle would consider rational (the fact that I really don't know what the hell I am doing). The spectrum of the work that I do fluctuates higher than anything I have ever done. To be honest I am concerned with returning back to school in fear of more monotony and repetitive nature.
Through this intensity I have learned grace. I believe grace is a word which encompasses other word, predominantly: elegance and beauty and love. Elegance has primarily been taught to bme by my grandmother, who carried herself with a divine serenity, communicating that our bodies speak a language. But I have also learned that it's important to act with elegance in one's daily life in order to remain healthy and sane in a place like Calcutta. I have felt more confident in myself when I stand or sit up straight. I am more sure of myself, I trust myself more. Those three trusts of "myselfs" are ways of being which help me do my work with beauty, graciousness, "balance and harmony." All of these are synonymous with elegance and grace. I don't consider elegance as shoulders back head held high in ignorance and arrogance. But I consider it a silent language or movements transcending our words. Elegance helps with my concentration, I walk joyfully with out "fear of stumbling." Paulo Coelho wrote, " Elegance is the right posture to make our every gesture perfect, our steps firm, and to give due respect to our fellow men and women." EXACTLY!!!!!!!! With grace, physical and silent, I communicate my peace, humility, grace and compassion.
Humility is often never obtained. I find that many of my peers and I, all the time, forget to be humble. But why would we need to be if we are never tested, if we are never reminded that we are not the only ones. I am arrogant and snobby with my actions and my words. I act superior to others and forget that a soul is a soul and needs genuine respect. Souls are easily forgotten because they are hidden inside a body, hidden under gender and nice or not so nice clothes. Hidden behind social conditionings, social implications, thoughts and ideas, differences, and disagreements. But when broken down to bare desires, a soul is a soul and wants to be loved. If I remembered that my soul is no different than yours, and that yours always has something to teach mine, than I remain humble. If we give in to our judgments, which we all do, and disregard the depth which does exist with in every being, then we are arrogant and miss out on a lot of life. Well at least this is what I think. The men of Kalighat have taught me this. I hope I never forget. I realize I will have lapses and judge another, after all it is what humans do, but at the end of my road spiritual perfection, when it is all said and done, I hope to know how to be humble and recognize and listen to another soul, yearning for learning.
My experiences at Kalighat have put a lot of my life into perspective. I am alive and I have a strong functioning body, therefore I am happy. I have education, I live in a great country, what else should I ask for? Nothing! I have it all. It's what I make of what I have that will grow my happiness to great heights, or will keep it minimal and pathetic. Our lives are very well off and need to be reconsidered, I can make this argument because YOU are READING this on a COMPUTER. What I have seen has instilled humility. Knowing that a soul is a soul which can teach mine, depending on my allowing, I am humbled and excited for happiness. I hope I never forget this.
Compassion is an action which I very much am trying to understand. Something I have been very interested in since I went to Seattle's super cheesy yet super educating "Seeds of Compassion" day in spring of this past year. We all are compassionate, it's human nature to ask "what's wrong?" when someone is down or to help when someone is sick, or when someone needs a smile. But the challenge is to what degree we give from our heart that matters and that makes the situation better. If we give from our soul as much as we can to that person who is ailing then the result will be tremendous on both ends. The sick will be healed and the healer will be glowing. This is how I feel after a day at work.
That is the direction the conversation went. It was good. She was planning on staying in Calcutta for two days as a connection to Darjeeling. But she said, "You know, after hearing you speak, I will start work on Wednesday!" I told her that this was my experience, that this was my elegance, grace, humility, and compassion. I told her to remember that she needs to create her own understanding of the work that us volunteers do. She said, "I will, I promise, and I will tell you all about it."
The heat has come way down. It dropped to a freezing 70 degrees with 64 % humidity, and as Katie put it, "We are practically living in water right now, we are always wet." So I am wet. Well more cold, I busted out the thick socks, Patagonia wear, and fleece which were all intended for Nepal, but it's freezing. I really afraid to return to school where it will be REALLY COLD!
I have a weird sore throat and I can tell it is from the shitty Calcutta smog. When I wake up from sleeping I have a horrible sore throat but wash it away with water. I can feel the dirt lining my poor throat. I don't think it helps that I sleep with my mouth open.
I have one week until the next part of my trip commences, TRAVEL! I am feeling ready to get out of this crazy city, but definitely not ready to leave my guys at Kalighat. I have been doing the evening shift so I go two times a day now. Something draws me back in the evening where there are less volunteers, less energy, and more one on one time. I get much energy spending time with faces whom I know will pass soon. I give them what I can. A smile, a wink, massage, happiness in whatever form I can create. I will cry when I leave. I know I will. It's hard for me to leave a place that is a miracle.
I was thinking to myself the other day, in vain I was thinking, I would love to see a miracle here. I asked myself, how, where would I see one, what would it look like? I laughed at myself, Joseph, this is the miracle, Kalighat is the miracle. The fact that Kalighat and the MC's exist in a city like Calcutta is a miracle.
I work and am part of a moving miracle every day. What a realization, what a JOY!!!!
I spoke with a woman tonight who is staying at my guest house. She is actually from San Francisco, touring India with interest in volunteering with the MC's. We began talking about my purpose in Calcutta. It turned into an interview meets therapy conversation with questions of why I do what I do, and how it makes me feel. But as therapy does, it makes me listen to me words and the intention behind them. I heard a lot of honesty in what I had to say.
She asked me why I chose Kalighat, a place where I knew I would experience suffering and death. I feel I learn the most about life, thus the most about myself through intensity. My daily work is not intense in the sense that one million things happen per second, but intense in the sense that what I am experiencing is well beyond, what Aristotle would consider rational (the fact that I really don't know what the hell I am doing). The spectrum of the work that I do fluctuates higher than anything I have ever done. To be honest I am concerned with returning back to school in fear of more monotony and repetitive nature.
Through this intensity I have learned grace. I believe grace is a word which encompasses other word, predominantly: elegance and beauty and love. Elegance has primarily been taught to bme by my grandmother, who carried herself with a divine serenity, communicating that our bodies speak a language. But I have also learned that it's important to act with elegance in one's daily life in order to remain healthy and sane in a place like Calcutta. I have felt more confident in myself when I stand or sit up straight. I am more sure of myself, I trust myself more. Those three trusts of "myselfs" are ways of being which help me do my work with beauty, graciousness, "balance and harmony." All of these are synonymous with elegance and grace. I don't consider elegance as shoulders back head held high in ignorance and arrogance. But I consider it a silent language or movements transcending our words. Elegance helps with my concentration, I walk joyfully with out "fear of stumbling." Paulo Coelho wrote, " Elegance is the right posture to make our every gesture perfect, our steps firm, and to give due respect to our fellow men and women." EXACTLY!!!!!!!! With grace, physical and silent, I communicate my peace, humility, grace and compassion.
Humility is often never obtained. I find that many of my peers and I, all the time, forget to be humble. But why would we need to be if we are never tested, if we are never reminded that we are not the only ones. I am arrogant and snobby with my actions and my words. I act superior to others and forget that a soul is a soul and needs genuine respect. Souls are easily forgotten because they are hidden inside a body, hidden under gender and nice or not so nice clothes. Hidden behind social conditionings, social implications, thoughts and ideas, differences, and disagreements. But when broken down to bare desires, a soul is a soul and wants to be loved. If I remembered that my soul is no different than yours, and that yours always has something to teach mine, than I remain humble. If we give in to our judgments, which we all do, and disregard the depth which does exist with in every being, then we are arrogant and miss out on a lot of life. Well at least this is what I think. The men of Kalighat have taught me this. I hope I never forget. I realize I will have lapses and judge another, after all it is what humans do, but at the end of my road spiritual perfection, when it is all said and done, I hope to know how to be humble and recognize and listen to another soul, yearning for learning.
My experiences at Kalighat have put a lot of my life into perspective. I am alive and I have a strong functioning body, therefore I am happy. I have education, I live in a great country, what else should I ask for? Nothing! I have it all. It's what I make of what I have that will grow my happiness to great heights, or will keep it minimal and pathetic. Our lives are very well off and need to be reconsidered, I can make this argument because YOU are READING this on a COMPUTER. What I have seen has instilled humility. Knowing that a soul is a soul which can teach mine, depending on my allowing, I am humbled and excited for happiness. I hope I never forget this.
Compassion is an action which I very much am trying to understand. Something I have been very interested in since I went to Seattle's super cheesy yet super educating "Seeds of Compassion" day in spring of this past year. We all are compassionate, it's human nature to ask "what's wrong?" when someone is down or to help when someone is sick, or when someone needs a smile. But the challenge is to what degree we give from our heart that matters and that makes the situation better. If we give from our soul as much as we can to that person who is ailing then the result will be tremendous on both ends. The sick will be healed and the healer will be glowing. This is how I feel after a day at work.
That is the direction the conversation went. It was good. She was planning on staying in Calcutta for two days as a connection to Darjeeling. But she said, "You know, after hearing you speak, I will start work on Wednesday!" I told her that this was my experience, that this was my elegance, grace, humility, and compassion. I told her to remember that she needs to create her own understanding of the work that us volunteers do. She said, "I will, I promise, and I will tell you all about it."
The heat has come way down. It dropped to a freezing 70 degrees with 64 % humidity, and as Katie put it, "We are practically living in water right now, we are always wet." So I am wet. Well more cold, I busted out the thick socks, Patagonia wear, and fleece which were all intended for Nepal, but it's freezing. I really afraid to return to school where it will be REALLY COLD!
I have a weird sore throat and I can tell it is from the shitty Calcutta smog. When I wake up from sleeping I have a horrible sore throat but wash it away with water. I can feel the dirt lining my poor throat. I don't think it helps that I sleep with my mouth open.
I have one week until the next part of my trip commences, TRAVEL! I am feeling ready to get out of this crazy city, but definitely not ready to leave my guys at Kalighat. I have been doing the evening shift so I go two times a day now. Something draws me back in the evening where there are less volunteers, less energy, and more one on one time. I get much energy spending time with faces whom I know will pass soon. I give them what I can. A smile, a wink, massage, happiness in whatever form I can create. I will cry when I leave. I know I will. It's hard for me to leave a place that is a miracle.
I was thinking to myself the other day, in vain I was thinking, I would love to see a miracle here. I asked myself, how, where would I see one, what would it look like? I laughed at myself, Joseph, this is the miracle, Kalighat is the miracle. The fact that Kalighat and the MC's exist in a city like Calcutta is a miracle.
I work and am part of a moving miracle every day. What a realization, what a JOY!!!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What the f!
I carried five bodies to the crematorium today. Something most people probably don't do on any given Tuesday morning. One of the men was my friend. I bathed him yesterday.
When I first arrived at Kalighat, four weeks ago he seemed well and healthy. He like me. We had conversations. He slowly get more sick. His body seemed to get harder and tighter. A reverse sponge effect. Hardening and loosing moisture. He would not eat yesterday. He could not swallow. In my ignorance I did not realized this, I did not say by to him.
I came in the morning happier that usual. I went from bed to bed greeting my friends. I went to number 44, let's call him Bobby (it seems appropriate) His eyes were open and he rested in the curled position he always did. In my ignorance I waived my hands over his face to bring the goodmorning. "Hello, Hello, Hello, Namaste!" I usually get eye movement. "Brother, he's no more, gone, dead." "Dead?" "Dead." This was a blow to my spirit. I felt if everything had hit me all at once. Everything about Calcutta. All her beauty, he hate, love smells, sounds, sights, poverty, romance this all hit me and was laughing at me. "You fool, don't fall for me, I will steal your soul, hahaha!"I had to sit down. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to remeber our laughs.
"Brother..." I knew how was speaking to me, the undertaker. This is how he calls me. I know what it means. It means come to the cold room, then to the ambulance with "silent company" it means the Beautiful orange color illuminates their end, it means the curtains close.
We loaded the five bodies, Bobby included. I was not ready. I hadn't said goodbye. It was Bobby's body that we put in last. As his curtains went down I wanted to cry. Not out of saddness, but because he was my friends and that is what you do when you burn your friends as they go on, you cry, right?
He left this world in a way I will never forget, with his legs folded over his hips. I wanted to bring him back. But then I would be Jesus, not Joseph. Joseph dealt with Jesus' death, so I would follow in his footsteps and deal with it.
I had carried him to the showers the day before. I held his head as I washed. Blood came out of his penis, around the inersted tube for his urine bag. I winced in pain for him, he made no gesture. I scrubbed in happiness and sang "Iloveyouloveyouloveyou...frommyheart..." He was so light as I carried him back to the changgin area. I dresed him lik I did many times before, but this would be the last time. He wouldn't need it anymore, I'm crying now, for you, Bobby. I think I just realized what I do for work, I burn people.
I loved his smile. He had a cute face. A man you would picutre when somone says "A cute old man..." He had a sunken mouth with no teeth. His lips curled in where orthodontic work would have done so well. His skin was so smooth. His nose was this and useful. His eyes seemed much too young for the rest of his body, so playful and hopeful for tomorrow. His hair was my favorite! It wanted to slick back, but had a hard time doing so, so instead, it stuck straight up.
Bobby always enjoyed a good head massage, who doesn't? But I got satisfaction out of massaging his head, more than anyone else (maybe it's because I loved his hair so much!). He would close his eyes and try to smile. He was Beautiful. I would have been proud to have called him "Grandfather."
His last days he seemed to know. How did I not. He is gone now, nothing physical remains and all soul does. I know I will miss him tomorrow as I do now and will the day after tomorrow and whenever I think of Kalighat and Calcutta. Today was just another Tuesday for the world, a tuesday where I carried five bodies to the crematorium and one of them was Bobby. On Tuesday October twenty-first I burned my friend to make him now, no more, and forever eternal.
When I first arrived at Kalighat, four weeks ago he seemed well and healthy. He like me. We had conversations. He slowly get more sick. His body seemed to get harder and tighter. A reverse sponge effect. Hardening and loosing moisture. He would not eat yesterday. He could not swallow. In my ignorance I did not realized this, I did not say by to him.
I came in the morning happier that usual. I went from bed to bed greeting my friends. I went to number 44, let's call him Bobby (it seems appropriate) His eyes were open and he rested in the curled position he always did. In my ignorance I waived my hands over his face to bring the goodmorning. "Hello, Hello, Hello, Namaste!" I usually get eye movement. "Brother, he's no more, gone, dead." "Dead?" "Dead." This was a blow to my spirit. I felt if everything had hit me all at once. Everything about Calcutta. All her beauty, he hate, love smells, sounds, sights, poverty, romance this all hit me and was laughing at me. "You fool, don't fall for me, I will steal your soul, hahaha!"I had to sit down. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to remeber our laughs.
"Brother..." I knew how was speaking to me, the undertaker. This is how he calls me. I know what it means. It means come to the cold room, then to the ambulance with "silent company" it means the Beautiful orange color illuminates their end, it means the curtains close.
We loaded the five bodies, Bobby included. I was not ready. I hadn't said goodbye. It was Bobby's body that we put in last. As his curtains went down I wanted to cry. Not out of saddness, but because he was my friends and that is what you do when you burn your friends as they go on, you cry, right?
He left this world in a way I will never forget, with his legs folded over his hips. I wanted to bring him back. But then I would be Jesus, not Joseph. Joseph dealt with Jesus' death, so I would follow in his footsteps and deal with it.
I had carried him to the showers the day before. I held his head as I washed. Blood came out of his penis, around the inersted tube for his urine bag. I winced in pain for him, he made no gesture. I scrubbed in happiness and sang "Iloveyouloveyouloveyou...frommyheart..." He was so light as I carried him back to the changgin area. I dresed him lik I did many times before, but this would be the last time. He wouldn't need it anymore, I'm crying now, for you, Bobby. I think I just realized what I do for work, I burn people.
I loved his smile. He had a cute face. A man you would picutre when somone says "A cute old man..." He had a sunken mouth with no teeth. His lips curled in where orthodontic work would have done so well. His skin was so smooth. His nose was this and useful. His eyes seemed much too young for the rest of his body, so playful and hopeful for tomorrow. His hair was my favorite! It wanted to slick back, but had a hard time doing so, so instead, it stuck straight up.
Bobby always enjoyed a good head massage, who doesn't? But I got satisfaction out of massaging his head, more than anyone else (maybe it's because I loved his hair so much!). He would close his eyes and try to smile. He was Beautiful. I would have been proud to have called him "Grandfather."
His last days he seemed to know. How did I not. He is gone now, nothing physical remains and all soul does. I know I will miss him tomorrow as I do now and will the day after tomorrow and whenever I think of Kalighat and Calcutta. Today was just another Tuesday for the world, a tuesday where I carried five bodies to the crematorium and one of them was Bobby. On Tuesday October twenty-first I burned my friend to make him now, no more, and forever eternal.
So Beautiful
She is so Beautiful. I've read her story multiple times. She has been described so many ways, she has so much history she is so fine. I've been told of her seductive charm and unforgiving stare.
The first times I was in her presence, we were at a grand ball. She is desired by all at the party, even for a simple conversation. Men watch from afar at those with her, only wishing he could be he. She charms those she's with, makes them laugh and want her. Every woman wants her too, that's how perfect she is. Everyone wants to know her, wants to lay with her, kiss her and touch her in the most intimate ways, but she is so intimidating.
That moment where we make eye contact everything pauses, it's like a shampoo commercial. As she wips her head from front to back her soft hair draws he head around. Her face is perfectly proportioned, structured, and young. I want it. She smiles at me saying she wants to get to know me, but I break that wave-length, and shy away with my eyes saying "NO" ;). Her white eyes are too strong for my moral soul. Oh how bad I want to know her. i watch her the whole night, hoping that she might escape the crowds and head for the beautiful gardens outside the ballroom. I would follow her and tell her the truth of how I feel, if we were alone. I can tell she doesn't like all the attention, she wants to be left alone, to rest, but never, there are just too many silly men and women who want her to heard their thoughtless and thoughtful ideas, she will never be alone, I will never be alone with her.
Will I ever find out who she is?
And this is only the ball, I see her in the streets too. I briefly forget about her existence and do my thing. But when I am happy, I realize it is beacuase of her. This makes me think I am beginning to understand her, this makes me even happpier. It's like waking up and really being a part of that love dream.
Another day comes and i again won't think of her. But then, I will get mad, sad, disconcerted, something will make me the opposite of the previous day and inevitably it is her fault. Or maybe my mine, for I am in her, she is everwhere. I am happy because I think I know her but then something honest will happen, something that only happens in her, because I am in her she is everyone's reality. I will never know her, I know this, I doubt anyone really understands why she is so perfect and how she can hold so much life in her, but then at the same moment crush so much, so much life, so much hope. So many people live in her, by her, with her. Many are just curios to see her, try and experience her, wanting to brief her Beauty, as do I, but she is just too much woman for anyone of us to handle.
I get mad beacuse she won't be mine, which means I will never understand her. I am mad that I will never be able to love her, I will never be able to hear her secrets, watch the sunrise with her. I won't lay with her, tickle her or make her giggle. But that is how it' s supposed to be. I come to live in her for a short while, to be charmed and enchanted, by her romantic Beauty. To be hardened and hate her. She gives me a full body "blue balls" sensation. It's with everone I meet, everything I do and experience that will let me get that degree closer to knowing her. I never will know her. I am okay with that. I will never be hers.
Calcutta is a Beautiful woman, enchanting and unforgiving who makes me bi-polar: thankful but mad.
The first times I was in her presence, we were at a grand ball. She is desired by all at the party, even for a simple conversation. Men watch from afar at those with her, only wishing he could be he. She charms those she's with, makes them laugh and want her. Every woman wants her too, that's how perfect she is. Everyone wants to know her, wants to lay with her, kiss her and touch her in the most intimate ways, but she is so intimidating.
That moment where we make eye contact everything pauses, it's like a shampoo commercial. As she wips her head from front to back her soft hair draws he head around. Her face is perfectly proportioned, structured, and young. I want it. She smiles at me saying she wants to get to know me, but I break that wave-length, and shy away with my eyes saying "NO" ;). Her white eyes are too strong for my moral soul. Oh how bad I want to know her. i watch her the whole night, hoping that she might escape the crowds and head for the beautiful gardens outside the ballroom. I would follow her and tell her the truth of how I feel, if we were alone. I can tell she doesn't like all the attention, she wants to be left alone, to rest, but never, there are just too many silly men and women who want her to heard their thoughtless and thoughtful ideas, she will never be alone, I will never be alone with her.
Will I ever find out who she is?
And this is only the ball, I see her in the streets too. I briefly forget about her existence and do my thing. But when I am happy, I realize it is beacuase of her. This makes me think I am beginning to understand her, this makes me even happpier. It's like waking up and really being a part of that love dream.
Another day comes and i again won't think of her. But then, I will get mad, sad, disconcerted, something will make me the opposite of the previous day and inevitably it is her fault. Or maybe my mine, for I am in her, she is everwhere. I am happy because I think I know her but then something honest will happen, something that only happens in her, because I am in her she is everyone's reality. I will never know her, I know this, I doubt anyone really understands why she is so perfect and how she can hold so much life in her, but then at the same moment crush so much, so much life, so much hope. So many people live in her, by her, with her. Many are just curios to see her, try and experience her, wanting to brief her Beauty, as do I, but she is just too much woman for anyone of us to handle.
I get mad beacuse she won't be mine, which means I will never understand her. I am mad that I will never be able to love her, I will never be able to hear her secrets, watch the sunrise with her. I won't lay with her, tickle her or make her giggle. But that is how it' s supposed to be. I come to live in her for a short while, to be charmed and enchanted, by her romantic Beauty. To be hardened and hate her. She gives me a full body "blue balls" sensation. It's with everone I meet, everything I do and experience that will let me get that degree closer to knowing her. I never will know her. I am okay with that. I will never be hers.
Calcutta is a Beautiful woman, enchanting and unforgiving who makes me bi-polar: thankful but mad.
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